Letting go and Self talk
In this episode of The Kindling Project, Amy and Melissa discuss how to get honest with ourselves and let go of the all-or-nothing thinking mentality. They share with each other how they don't always listen to the internal voice that says “stop” “halt” and “do not enter.”
When people-pleasing happens and disregard for warning signs happens, we are often left holding the bag saying, “what about me and my turn”? This topic is sure to evoke emotion as many people can resonate with the reality of not speaking their truth and not speaking with intention. Getting edgy with boundaries, extreme thinking, and accepting an outdated narrative are some of the pitfalls we face as women with many different roles to balance.
Learn more about The Kindling Project at our website: https://www.thekindlingproject.com/ and join our Facebook group for women looking for that extra kindling to start their next big fire! The Kindling Project - Ignite. The Kindling Project is sponsored by Memora, an experience design agency that creates memorable brand experiences. Memora is offering our listeners a FREE 30-minute brand consultation. Schedule yours now.
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Melissa: Hi, welcome to the Kindling podcast. I'm here today with my usual bestie Amy, and I think we're gonna talk a little bit more about letting go, acceptance, moving forward.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: Some of the big hurdles that a lot of us face when trying to launch a new project or grow a business or whatever, whatever it may be.
Amy: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. It's it's really good to see you, Melissa. It, you know, and it doesn't, you know, letting go and acceptance, those are definitely synonymous with one another, but oftentimes I don't even think people realize how connected those are. So that's, I think one of the reasons why I really wanted to talk about it and whether it's maybe letting go of a relationship.
It could be letting go of a job of a career of something professional, something personal, along that, has to come acceptance. Because those two don't really go one without the other. It's kind of like anxiety and depression. Those two are almost two sides of the coin, you know?
Melissa: Exactly, exactly and I think, I think we're seeing in our own lives and we're seeing in The Kindling Project Facebook community and, and some of our in- person communities, it just comes up over and over again with so many of us. I know I had a conversation with you recently. Sometimes it's just letting go of habits or coping mechanisms that we developed along the way that are just no longer useful.
Amy: Mm-hmm mm-hmm yes, absolutely. And part of it too, and I'm seeing this in our private Facebook group Ignite is that, oftentimes as women, we have to be willing to give ourselves permission to let go. Because there's so many women, Melissa, and, and I see this with my clients, I see this with my friends. I see this with other female family members. That they don't give themselves permission to let go of something because they don't wanna hurt that other person, or they don't wanna offend someone or they don't want to be judged.
Melissa: Right.
Amy: As a result, they can go, weeks months, years, decades. And then they find themselves literally holding the empty bag going, what, what in the hell just happened? I've been giving myself to everybody else, but here I am left empty handed.
Melissa: Yep. Oh, absolutely. That, that sort of fear of not being nice. So many of us are acculturated to, you know, girls are supposed to be nice. Right? And it, it doesn't serve. It doesn't always serve, in my experience.
Amy: Mm-hmm
Melissa: I know, I struggle with it a lot. You know, it's a people pleasing thing it's wanting to avoid the conflict. I genuinely do care about other people's feelings. It's not just, it's not just a habit. It does come from some real place where I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings. I do wanna respect everyone, but like you said, you have to give yourself permission to , at top of your own list.
Amy: That's something I've really been learning about you. It's that extreme thinking and listen, a lot of us have it, okay. You're you're not the first person I've ever met that thinks this way. That if I, if I do allow myself to quote unquote, let go, or if I do accept something, that means that I'm gonna become a floormat and that means that I'm gonna be the meanest person in the world, and that nobody's gonna like me. It's that all or nothing thinking.
Melissa: Mm-hmm mm-hmm yep.
Amy: Do you know what I'm saying?
Melissa: I do.
Amy: And so I'm gonna sacrifice myself because I do wanna make people happy. I do want to make people like me. Is that, is that what you're talking about? You know, not hurt people's feelings or, okay.
Melissa: Yeah, I think so. I think sometimes that I sail right past the warning signs in maybe a new relationship, whether it's a friendship or a business partnership or a community connection because I'm trying to make it work. I'm trying to like the person. I'm trying to get to. like a place where the person likes and respects me. But I think sooner than later, if you pay attention to your gut and you listen to the signs that are there, you won't find yourself with a relationship that you need to let go of because you won't have gotten yourself into it.
And yes, they have really, I mean, I think that's really. That would be the ideal, obviously, you know, there's situations where you can't avoid being into them, you know, with your longtime family or your longtime coworkers. But I personally have a tendency to people please and disregard the warning signs, even with new relationships and then six months or a year down the road, I'm looking at the, you know, wreckage of why did I get this far in like the warning signs were there all along.
Amy: Mm-hmm mm-hmm. Let me respectfully disagree with something that you said. Okay. And that is about long term family or friends. Now, even if we, even if we're not able to avoid those people, we still have choices on how we are going to react and how we are gonna respond to those people.
Melissa: Mm-hmm
Amy: Let's face it. These people are in our lives, especially as family. Or as long term coworkers. We do still have choices and how we are going to deal and respond to those people. We, we do. And and you know, getting back to where does acceptance and letting go, where does it fall in?
What I wanna explore is that this is all connected. These intersect. At every, at every stop sign at every red light at every green light. And it's, it's a lot to wrap our head around. It really is because you, you, me, everybody else has been conditioned to believe that that is our role to put everybody else first to make sure everybody else has been fed.
Everybody else is, is showered, shined, and ready for bed. But then, you know, where are we. Where, where are we left?
Melissa: Right. I guess that, I guess acceptance and letting go, doesn't have to be black or white to your point about black and white thinking. Acceptance can be, I'm gonna accept the reality of this relationship. It's, it's pretty dysfunctional, but I'm gonna have some good boundaries around it. So that's not making me crazy or I'm not going outta my way to people please like an unpleasable client or this kind of thing. So
Amy: mm-hmm
Melissa: So I suppose I, I have a thought, I guess it's it's that letting go is a finality, but it could also just be letting go of ideas that aren't serving you.
Amy: Mm-hmm
You're right. Okay. So a couple things is letting go isn't a finality. It, it, it, well, let me retract that. Maybe it is okay, but it's also a process.
Melissa: Right.
Amy: Maybe, maybe letting go is the first part of that process. But I always have, I always have the, do you have that willingness to let go? That's a, that's a before even letting go because we have to, we have to be willing, you know, I, I love, you know, you go into the craft store and there's these like awesome signs, like live for today or welcome to the porch or whatever these signs are that everybody has, flush the toilet, whatever it is.
Melissa: Yeah.
Amy: But the reality is, is it, it doesn't, it, it's not just, I'm letting go. And then I could just sit on my couch and turn on Netflix and then it suddenly everything's let go.
I have to, I, it is action steps. These are, we have to be active in this, this isn't, this isn't like a, a passive thought it has to be action. And that is where letting go and acceptance, that's where they intersect. And so this is what I'm gonna say about acceptance and I've probably said this before. I know you've heard this, but I'm gonna say it again. That acceptance is not something we have to like.
Melissa: Usually not in my case.
Amy: It it, and, and so, but, but let me say this, oftentimes don't you ought, isn't it intuitive to think? Well, okay. I'm gonna practice accepting it. So it must be okay then if I'm accepting it.
Melissa: Mm-hmm. Yeah, because I think we all have a ego where we have a sense of injustice, you know, if somebody has trespassed on you there's, there's that ego part of you that keeps like, kind of rearing its head of like, if I accept this then in some way I'm condoning this.
Amy: Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's exactly right. Oh, you're good. This is, this was something that came to me when my sister Christine was diagnosed with cancer again. Okay. And I just remember saying to her, and I don't know how I knew this. I don't know how it, this was definitely a God moment. Where I just remember telling her Christine, we have to accept this, but we don't have to like it.
okay.
I will repeat myself. We have to accept it, but we don't have to like it. And, and that for, for whatever reason, that was, that was the catalyst to start moving through this disease. And then it just splintered off that oh my gosh. You're right. I don't have to like this diagnosis. I don't have to like this situation, but if I don't practice accepting it, I'm gonna stay stuck. I'm gonna stay resentful. I'm gonna stay angry. I'm gonna say sad. And then I'm stuck. And how often do we stay stuck? In our thoughts.
Melissa: Lots, a lot. And I think if part of our mission, you and I, and The Kindling Project mission is to lead the way or create the space for people to get unstuck, these are really super important conversations and they may seem a little woo, woo, or they may seem a little more like therapy than maybe, you know, maybe is obvious at first, but these are the things that hold us up.
A cancer diagnosis is big and it's obvious and it's a good example, but there's lots of little ways that we stay stuck in habit.
Amy: Yes.
Melissa: Or in negative thinking or in people pleasing or coping mechanisms that we've picked up along the way. They might not be as obvious as if you're losing a loved one with a terminal cancer diagnosis, it's, that's huge. And you have to accept it one way or the other. You're not getting out of it, but there are things that we don't accept about ourselves or our behavior or our habits that we just repeat. We repeat them over and over again. And I find sometimes those are also really big, cuz they're additive. They just add up, to be like, here I am again. here I am again. Why, you know, why is this hurdle keep showing up in my life and preventing me from reaching my goal or finishing my project or moving.
Amy: Starting
Melissa: Yeah. And for some people starting. Now, I tend to be a chronic starter so that's probably, that's probably my other issue is that I like shiny new objects and I have a hundred things started at any given moment, but I do know those people that are hand ringers that can never start. You know, they'd love to start something that they just don't know where to start, or they just can't start. And that's, those are probably two equally, you know, like you said two sides of a coin.
Amy: Yes. I love that image. I love when you, you say certain images, cuz it just that, what did you call it? A hand ringer and it's so true. It's like, oh my gosh, how am I gonna do it? I'm so scared. What, what if, what if I feel what if people are disappointed? What if I, and it's just like, oh my gosh, just get out of pen for God's sakes, you know, take a walk and contemplate, like for God, get outta your head.
You are so right that it, it, whether it's something catastrophic or if it's just a day to day, okay. That cycle of, oftentimes, well, this is just the way it is, because this is how I've always been doing it. So how do I even get out of this?
Melissa: Right. Right. And I guess that, that's a different kind of acceptance. That's like living with something that's not healthy, but the kind of acceptance we're talking about is like, I'm gonna accept responsibility. I'm gonna let go. I'm gonna be active. Right. This kind of acceptance I think that you and I are, you know, scratching at again is, it's active.
Amy: Yes. And that's exactly what Monica talked about when we talked to Monica Curtis, is that this is where the whole showing up starts. You know, everything kind of starts to fall into the bucket. If, we talk about acceptance or if we talk about what else letting go or, or showing up, because this is what, what Monica said is, I'm gonna hold the mirror because like you said too, it's easy to just turn around and go, wow, this is just kind of how it's always been. And, and it's there's just no way I'm gonna be able to do it. But if, if we're here, here at The Kindling Project and we hold up the mirror, cause let's face it, you and I hold up the mirror for each other.
Melissa: Ah, absolutely. I feel like that might actually be why we're, why we're in this at all.
Amy: Mmm-hmm yes, really? Exactly. Yep. And so we, we, we're creating this, this space, this safe space for, for other people to say, here we are, we are holding up the mirror for you, so to speak. And, and the first is to really acknowledge that this is how I feel.
Or this is what is a challenge, or this is my barrier, or this is my limitation. I know now I'm going into my social work terms and my research terms, but this is really how it, how it is from a clinical perspective is that it, it, they are barriers. They are limitations. They stop us from saying, you know, this is what I continue to do and it doesn't work anymore.
So just stopping and acknowledging and saying, holy crap, I am in the same place that I was. A different relationship. Maybe a different job.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Amy: In the same place. From from 10 years ago or maybe five weeks ago, whatever it is because we're, we're not acknowledging, we're not, we're not recognizing this is actually, this is my part in it. And that that's the, that's the tough thing to do.
Melissa: Yep.
Amy: Is to own that part.
Melissa: I think it is tough and I think it's hard to own it and it, and it's hard to share it, but sometimes if somebody else shares it with you and you identify with it, that's close to owning it because you kind of see, Uhhuh. Yeah, I do that too.
Amy: Mm-hmm
Melissa: You might not have been able to get there without, you know, without that sort of sharing. And I think that's super important because we can feel really alone in our places that were stuck.
Amy: Absolutely. And, and for women, it's not easy to say come in behind the curtain. I, I really, I wanna share with you that this is really hard for me, as women, we are not encouraged to show our vulnerable side. We're not because automatically people are like, I'm not gonna be vulnerable. Cuz that means I'm gonna be a doormat. That means I must be weak or that means I can't handle it. You know, again, it's this all or nothing thinking that if I show any sort of vulnerability then I'm a hysterical woman and I can't handle myself.
Melissa: Right, right. It's it's, it's a, it's one of those many, many catch twenty twos that we deal with of don't be vulnerable, but absolutely don't be too powerful either. You know, we're always stuck between these walls. And I know I am and I have been, and, and so many of us are, and these are the kind of barriers that, let's try to knock some of 'em down.
Amy: Absolutely. And that's, that's what we're doing in The Kindling Project is we are creating that space where we can change the narrative. Yes. And we can do it in a, a space that is, it's a practice zone. It's almost like we just took off the training wheels and now we can just start riding our bike. And if we fall over, we're in that space of safety still. So we practice that here, with others, and then we finally, we get to that point where we can just keep riding off into that kindling project or away from that behavior or that narrative or whatever, however, that. We don't have to do it alone is what I'm saying, you know?
Melissa: Yeah. I think not doing it alone is a pivotal kind of integral part of it. I remember when you and I first started talking about, we have some in person groups that we deal with and, you know, maybe setting some ground rules for that. We talked about things that might seem sort of silly you know, At first, like, okay, for this 90 minutes, no gossip. Well, no gossip doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it relates to this conversation in, in a way that if you can set something sort of negative or time consuming or exhausting or energy sucking away for at least 90 minutes. That's how, that's how you get stronger and develop those habits is say, I'm, I'm not gonna do these things in this space or for this amount of time.
I'm just gonna start one step at a time, one small, little bit at a time of, okay. I might. Not be able to give up people pleasing or gossiping or some other character flaw, 100%, 100% of the time, but I'm gonna give it up for this 90 minutes. It's not allowed in this space. And that's where you start right? Little bit at a time.
Amy: Absolutely. I, I love that you, I love how you broke that down because it, it can be overwhelming to think, how am I gonna accept the fact that I am in a really toxic marriage and I have to get out of it, or a toxic work relationship or whatever, or whatever it may be, because then it's so much easier to say, screw it because this is what I've done for all these years. So I'm just gonna stay. But if we take, if we take things in increments, it's so much more manageable. It's so much more manageable. That is why the 12 step program is so effective because, you think about taking away the drink or the drug or the pornography or the gambling or the food or the cleaning or the shopping or whatever it and you think, how am I not gonna do this for the rest of my life? There's no way, but if you start with one of the steps, which is always the first step, it, it becomes more manageable. I love that you pointed that out.
I tell clients, I say, listen, Rome was not built in a day just because we have this knowledge now, or this level of, of awareness or this next level of mindfulness it doesn't mean that we're gonna be cured in a day.
Melissa: I love that. I love that. I hope it's useful to others to recognize themselves and maybe make some new commitment to, okay, I also can't build Rome in a day, but I'm gonna accept something about myself and actively work on letting it go or changing it because I have another goal or a bigger goal or an untapped potential. And these are the limitations that are holding me back.
Amy: mm-hmm mm-hmm so that's, that would really be one of the first things that I would suggest is, is be honest with yourself. What, what is my limitation? Is there more than one? Probably. Is there a couple, fear of success. Fear of success. Fear of being judged. Okay. So just recognizing and saying, okay, fine. These are, this is what, this is what I think my, my limitation is, this is what I think my barrier is. I think I'm just afraid to be successful.
Melissa: Right. Right. These are emotional or habitual or psychological barriers. And I recognize that there's some practical barriers that we can talk about in another conversation that might be more like time or money or something, more tangible. Right. But a barrier is a barrier. And actually some of these mindset barriers can be a little bit harder to identify because if it's something that you learned in your family or in your culture, you know, you may not even actually have words for it, or you may not actually identify it as a barrier because that's like you said, the way it's always been.
Amy: Mm-hmm .
Melissa: You know, in a bad relationship or in a, in a bad, you know, dysfunctional pattern
Amy: mm-hmm. You're so right, because when it's a mindset, it's, it's even harder, I think, because something that's tangible, yeah. I don't have enough money to, to invest in a building. That's pretty obvious cuz the bank account is reflective of that.
Melissa: Right? Right. I'm not good enough. Or people won't like me if I succeed or it's not polite or modest to wanna make more money. I mean, all of those kind of messages that are more internalized and more abstract, sometimes they're harder to identify that that's actually, what's holding you back because you have the time or you have the idea or you have the money or you can get the money. The potential is there. It's just clearing the barriers.
Amy: Mm-hmm mm-hmm so, okay. So it's recognizing honestly, What, what those, what those barriers are, what those limitations are. Maybe it's writing them down. Maybe it's sharing them with a friend that you trust someone in your family. Like, you know what, I just, I gotta be honest about this and da, da, da.
So that's, that would be the first thing. The other thing that I would really recommend is really being intentional of, of asking for the willingness to be willing. I know this, this is, I don't know, this is something else that came to me a couple years ago, you know, it'd say, oh yeah, like, sure. I'm willing to do that.
Like, I'll have, I'll have clients come in and they're like, so ready to make changes. And, and they are like, yes, you know, I wanna change this situation. I'm ready to go. One of the first things I have them do is I have them define what does the willingness to be willing mean for you? And they're like, huh?
Who, who recommended this lady? Like, okay, fine. I'll go try to figure out what the willingness to be willing means. Then they come up with something that works for them and, you know, we kind of maybe shelf that and then over time we're getting into the meat and potatoes of things. Right. And they come back and they're like, well, yeah, but I don't wanna change that or wait a minute, that feels edgy. And then I circle back and go, remember the willingness to be willing. Here it is. This is how it's showing up for you.
Melissa: Mm-hmm right.
Amy: You, you see what I'm saying? Right? So that, that is where we gotta be really honest with ourselves. Are you really willing to let this go? Are you really willing to accept this situation and move through it?
You know, are you, or are you just pretty pretty content in your own pity party or your own pain. We can get very comfortable in our own pain. You know, things like that can become an appendage for us in a lot of ways, because it's what we've always known.
Melissa: Mm-hmm mm-hmm . Yeah. I think that sometimes we have a tendency to revisit it. Even when you've moved past pain, it's not like it ever really goes away. Right. There's a tendency to sort of, you have a hard day or you read a sad book or you have some conflict with something and all, all that pain and negativity from the past just comes rushing forward to your mind, to your cells, to your body, at least in my case. And I find myself, why am I thinking about that thing that happened in college or that thing that happened in third grade or that thing that somebody said to me? I don't even remember that person's name. I just remember the tone. Like, why am I revisiting that? It's almost like re-wounding or, or causing your own pain again, revisiting it. I, I'm not sure. I'm not sure how many other people share that with me, but I know I do that. And then I catch myself and I think, okay, you don't need to revisit this. You did actually already let this go. Why is it back?
Amy: Mm-hmm yeah, I there's a lot of reasons why that pain shows up in different ways. There's, you know, there's, there's different variables, I think as to why, you know, that, that, again, that's more than likely another conversation. It's okay to sit in that pain for a little bit, you know? Because it's, it's kind of like acknowledging that letting go or that acceptance. It's. Man. I just really feel upside down.
And this is where I'm at in this moment. So maybe that's where we set a timer and say, all right, fine. I'm gonna sit in my pity party for two hours or three minutes. I'm gonna go get some Oreos. That's been my go-to lately. And I call it my sleeve of Oreos and I'm gonna give myself a timeframe. And I'm gonna sit there.
Oh, and I will wallow. Oh, it'll be the saddest pity party you could ever come to. But then I'm like, the buzzer goes off. I gotta dust myself off and keep marching on. Okay. So. Now, back in the day, I would have a pity party that would go on forever and ever. And that, that was not good. That was, that was really, really bad.
Okay. But I didn't have the tools at that time. I didn't realize that I, I had choices and I could heal and all this kind of stuff. Okay. So. You know, without going too far down the, the rabbit hole, the point is, is that, like you said, there are steps that we can take that are little, that can get us into these bigger spaces of change.
And, and that's why it's a discipline. It, it, it's, it's something that we have to work on everyday picture a muscle that we've never used. So this muscle is like completely atrophied. It's just, just a wet noodle.
Melissa: Right?
Amy: We gotta work this muscle and this is the muscle of the willingness to be willing to move through acceptance, to take action, to acknowledge, to validate all of these things.
That's a muscle that we have to work every single day, because if we're not working it. We're we're coasting. We're just, we're not peddling our bike. We're, we're being complacent. You know, we can coast for like a little bit, but we have to always be moving forward because if we're not more than likely we're going backwards.
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah. I think that when we're talking about, in terms of the kindling project, a lot of us can wake up and feel like I really have been coasting too long. I need to get going, or I need to start over, or I need to just start that, that coasting is you know, that can be an easy place to live, but you're not gonna get a lot done there.
Amy: Mm-hmm in our, in our kindling project ignite. What is the feeling that you get from the women that are engaging, that they want to coast, or they, they want that space to move through? What, what are your thoughts?
Melissa: I think that most people, whether they're in our group or not, they do want to move through. It's having the tools, having these discussions, figuring out or identifying how to do it is not something anybody teaches you. I mean, you know, I'm a big proponent of therapy. Obviously you're a therapist, you're a big proponent of therapy. You know, that's one place where you can go and get the tools, but if you're not doing that, where else do you get the tools?
Amy: Mm-hmm,
Melissa: Through some kind of therapy through some kind of coaching through some kind of group project through some kind of community. Through somebody willing to hold a mirror up to you. I mean, there are other ways and, and maybe, hopefully we're creating some of those ways. But I do think, I think people want to move through their barriers. They don't wanna coast through life. They wanna feel a sense of accomplishment. They want to tap into their own potential
Amy: mm-hmm mm-hmm
Melissa: I think, you know, it's a very gendered thing, but I. You know, men are always super as boys and men encouraged to reach their potential. And I think less so for women, I think less, I think in my observation, you know, in my limited world, I find that the women that were encountering, they felt like they got the message to set themselves aside. To not necessarily put your potential or your dreams into action, because you've got a baby to feed or a husband to take care of or a career to build or a mortgage to pay, you know, or a sick pet. I mean, the list is so long, but there's always it's always acceptable to put yourself aside for others, it's almost noble, but is it, is it really?
Amy: Yeah, gosh, you're, it's you're so right up about that. I mean, my goodness gracious. It is it's noble. I have to sacrifice everything, you know? Yeah. I will die on this hill for the family and everyone around me, you know, it's like this whole thing that I will be the martyr of the century. You all enjoy yourselves, you know?
Melissa: Yeah.
Amy: Again, though does one think, well, wait a minute. If, if I don't do this, who's going to?
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Who's going to, who's going to fall on the sword. And I say to that person, why does anybody have to fall on the sword?
Melissa: Right? Yeah. It's not either, or, I mean, it's not necessarily either or.
Amy: But in the way things are designed in society, it often is either or, you know?
Melissa: Yeah. It can be, it can be, you know, especially in certain kinds of relationships where either you've agreed to it or you've accepted your role in it. And that's super hard to get out of.
Amy: Yeah, but that there's something of letting go in acceptance right there. That could be that type of situation, which, which is not an easy one, you know? And then you throw childcare into it and it's and children and child rearing and everything, and that's a whole other component. So it's, it's, you know, one thing I've really been learning, doing my research.
One thing I've been reading about more is women in the relationship with alcohol, which we'll definitely talk about at some point, but even from the, and don't fall asleep on me, just bear with me for one second. But the Elizabethan days, which was in the 15 hundreds. Okay. Women, even then the big thing was all about the childcare and the priorities with the family. Okay and then you moved into all these different time periods and it was all about the woman, the responsibility of the family, the responsibility of the childcare of managing the house and all this. So this isn't, you know, this, this stuff around women and our roles and stuff.
This isn't just something that has suddenly happened, you know, this is we're talking hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, thousands probably, you know, of, of the role of women. And that's why I love. I love TKP ignite because we are creating that space. And you know, oftentimes people ask us, they say, Hey, well, what really is TKP what, what does it really look like?
And you know, you and I have talked a lot about this and this conversation is a component of it, but really TKP is creating that space for women to, to fuel and fan that fire that they've had inside them, maybe since they were little girls.
Melissa: Right, right, right and sometimes all you need is a little bit of space, but like a different place to go. And a community, I think. And I do think, you know, we're making some big generalizations, but I, I had lunch with Monica, our friend yesterday, and, and one of our conversations was about this sort of women's roles that you're discussing. Yeah. They probably go across cultures and they go across time, but she's from South America and from a Latin culture and we were just comparing like Western European culture. We're one of the worst. I mean, we're really one of the worst for you know, we expect so much of women, but then we've created this very insular nuclear family, where we expect so much of women and they don't get support and they don't get community.
They're no longer living with their sisters and their aunts and their grandmas, and they don't have a village. But they still have to do it all. On their own. And, and while those roles might exist in a lot of cultures, a lot of 'em are more community oriented and the responsibility is more shared. And I think, you know, we're not talking necessarily here about something as big as raising your baby, but writing your book could be your baby. We need to share some of the responsibility with each other and some of the inspiration and some of the insight and holding up the mirror to one another, like just that sense of community is sometimes all you need to get to that next little place of progress.
Amy: Yes. Yes. And, and that is, we know that from COVID 19 and even before this, we know that isolation is a huge factor. We, we know through research that people die from loneliness. They, I believe, you know, and oh, I believe, and not even, not even just elderly. And we'll definitely talk about social isolation, but that is part of our Kindling Project is to create, to fill in that gap of that isolation, because so many of us women have felt disconnected.
Melissa: Mm-hmm
Amy: There's been that disconnect and that's one of the greatest things, that we can connect with these women of, of every walk of life, essentially. Okay. Maybe not every walk of life, but from many walks of life who have this craving to connect to one another. Mm-hmm and that's what it's about. It's, it's a lot about it's about connection and, and that's something that I really want you and I, to be very clear on is that this kindling project is our kindling project.
Melissa: Yeah. I think that all the time, and I think connection is one of the very key elements to any kind of success or progress I mean, obviously there's the whole sort of idea of, you know, a lone genius. But I think the reality is, is that the better and stronger connection and support and community you have, the more likely you are to succeed and be well.
Amy: Mm-hmm absolutely. We know that. That's what, that's what studies show. That's what the research shows is that we are better together. Yeah. We are better together. And quite frankly, I don't wanna be alone.
Melissa: No, me neither. And it's very rewarding to connect and even to help and to give, I find like one of the really pleasing and surprising aspects of the community that we're building, and of the project that we're talking about is that people get almost as much satisfaction giving help as they do receiving it. Maybe more.
Amy: Absolutely.
Melissa: There's just a wealth of knowledge and ability to tap into and everything doesn't have to be for sale. Not that I'm against hiring a coach, not that I'm against hiring a therapist, not, you know me, like I'll always put the dollar down for the expert, but there is also something to be said for sharing in community. Right.
Amy: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So let's, let's to summarize, let's just say this, that we always wanna give we always wanna have a takeaway, right?
Mm-hmm
One of the takeaways I, I started this a little bit ago is that. Identifying what, what it is that is your barrier. That is your limitation.
Okay. Writing it down. Maybe sharing it with someone when we put it out there, it makes it more real. We become more accountable and we know accountability is a big deal. So putting it out there, taking that risk. And then the other thing that I, I often say is just, you know, whether you pray or regardless of, if you have a higher power, you don't have higher power.
Just asking for the willingness to be willing. Just, just write it on a sticky note. You know, I have these darn things everywhere. Write it on a sticky note. I am willing to be willing and put that somewhere, put that on your mirror, put it on your phone, put it on your screen, whatever I am willing to be willing.
So start acting as if you already are willing to be willing. Okay.
Melissa: Mm-hmm
Amy: Start there. And those, those are gonna be steps that the more you say them, the more you act as if you are doing those things, those will become your reality. Those will become your reality. And I think we have to start with those two things with, you know, asking for the willingness to be willing, to tell yourself, have those affirmations.
And then the acceptance is, is just telling yourself I accept. I accept whatever that situation is or I accept what, whatever it is. I don't wanna put words in people's mouths.
Melissa: I accept the hard things or the bad habits. I mean, it is often some form of negativity.
Amy: Of course.
Melissa: We started with Christine and accepting a, a major loss.
It, that kind of feels more like a one time thing. But as you know, you live with that forever and ever, but also accepting why do I keep getting into imbalanced relationships? Or like you said, why do I end up with the empty bag or the empty bank account? Why is my receiving so much less than my giving, whatever it is, accepting it, and then accepting some responsibility for it and then letting it go. Letting it go does start with the willingness, because everybody says they wanna get rid of something, but do you wanna do the hard things to get rid of it?
Amy: Mm-hmm yeah, yeah. Struggle. Exactly.
Melissa: I mean, don't we all struggle? Yeah, I think.
Amy: Yeah. That's why I tell people up front. I am not easy. I will be very kind and respectful to you, but I will, I will absolutely give it right back to you because look, are we gonna make progress? Are we gonna sit here and talk about, you know, rainbows and unicorns? Cause I could do that over in another conversation, you know? So, so let's, let's look at those as, as our as our takeaways.
Melissa: I'm, I'm there, I'm there, that's sort of the kindling for this week. Yep.
Amy: So it was so good to see you. Thanks for being awesome. Good to you.
Melissa: I love talking to you. You're the best
Amy: You are too. I'll talk to you again.
Melissa: Okay. Bye.