Lessons from a Silent Retreat with Antonie Ziegler
In this conversation, Melissa Halpin and Antonia discuss the transformative power of mindfulness, personal growth, and the importance of community support. Antonia shares her experiences from a 10-day silent retreat, emphasizing the connection between emotions and physical health, and the significance of being present. They explore the role of a life curator, the impact of grief, and the cultural differences in emotional expression. The discussion highlights the value of coaching and the journey of self-discovery, encouraging listeners to listen to their inner selves and seek support in their personal journeys.
Cut Looze with Antonie!
https://cutlooze.com/
https://www.instagram.com/antonieziegler/
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Listen to the full episode:
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Melissa Halpin (00:11)
Welcome back to the kindling project podcast today. We have Antonia Ziegler who is a life coach and intuitive She's the founder of cut lose calm So she has a platform for women and she's really really Trying to help and guide women through that balance between your conscious and your unconscious life Welcome Antonia
Antonie (00:34)
Welcome Melissa, thank you for having me.
Melissa Halpin (00:36)
you're so welcome. I know we've talked about it for a few years and you've been part of the Killing Project community, sharing some of your events and we just appreciate you and I know that you have a lot of wisdom to share. So I'm excited to have you today.
So I happen to know that you just got back from an important retreat. Do you want to share a little bit about that this morning?
Antonie (00:58)
I've was pretty courageous to kind of signed up, sign up for like a 10 day silent retreat and it's called the pasana. And I was recommended to do this because somebody said, well, a mentor of mine, told me, do it, and to a new will serve you well, because there is for me, you know, like all of us, we just sometimes struggle with things. And when I had some big struggles with.
what all happened, maybe you can mention it later on, yeah, but I just thought, okay, I'll do it. I want to sit and be quiet. And it was really noble silence, like no, speaking, no nothing. There were women and men, but we had no contact with them besides sitting next to each other. But it was this, this, yeah, learning to connect with the present moment by connecting with your breath. then.
getting in touch with your sensations and just being with them and not judging them. No matter if it was pain, which there was because you sit many hours throughout the day. But then also, you know, when you felt good, it's just kind of just let it be. It is what it is. And then it'll change anyways, because that's the law of nature. There's always change. Nothing will be the same. Today will be an awesome day. And then tomorrow is like, my God, you know.
But then it's kind of just hold it with this equanimity. That's, that was the big word that they used. And, and also by doing this, and this was so fascinating to me is like, when you get in touch or be aware of the sensations in your body, that's how you go deep and connect with your subconscious. And that's how things can bubble up because you're so, so much present with yourself. So there's joy that can come up. There's, I felt sadness that came up.
and you just experience it, you might even cry, know, like people have anger and so, but it's just this, this thing that you get in touch with the sensations in your body. And that's how you create awareness and presence for yourself. And that's how you strengthen your mind because you're, getting out of your mind chatter. And that's what we need to do. All of us get out of it, get out of the stories that you tell yourself and just be present.
Melissa Halpin (03:03)
Yeah.
I can't really even fathom 10 days without talking, but it just sounds powerful, transformational. Do you think that there's a way that, for those of us that maybe don't have the opportunity to do 10 whole days, we can incorporate some of that in our daily lives, in our regular life?
Antonie (03:21)
yeah. And that's, that's what I also teach in my coaching that you, know, whenever something happens, like a trigger, somebody says something or like, you know, with the politics or whatever, you know, like there's some, some kind of a trigger where you, where you feel like, this hit me like that. And, then try and catch that moment even afterwards, because we're not, know, even like catching that moment is already sometimes hard, but once you get it, like just.
Melissa Halpin (03:45)
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (03:47)
you know, get, get to sense what's going on here. Maybe even what you're feeling, but that friend from that feeling, because the emotions that we have, they are also reflected in our body. Like the body keeps the score. know there's a book out there. I've never read it, but it's like, but it's this, body keeps the score. So it's about the sensations in your body and then feel it. You know, you can like your very obvious things are like your throat closes up or you have like a pounding chest or like.
your stomach and then you just get in touch with that. I like to put a hand there as well and then and just feel it and without. Judging it or without, my God, you know, like just saying, this is there. I see you. I feel you. And, and then like by putting a hand there, that's how you extend love and care to yourself. And that's, and that's how you can calm down and step away from that story.
Melissa Halpin (04:35)
Yeah.
I haven't read that book either, but I've certainly seen a lot of the social media and other kind of news articles about that concept. And I think about my own body, and then I have a 20-year-old daughter. And both of us have asthma. And then both of us have autoimmune conditions, where we get these big flare-ups and these joint inflammation. And I'm certain that...
Antonie (04:47)
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (05:00)
Maybe the conditions are in themselves separate physical ailments, but they are definitely triggered by emotional and psychological events, right? When we're upset, when we're stressed, when we're self-conscious, when we're anxious, we both tend to have more anxiety and we both tend to have joint flare-ups.
Antonie (05:12)
Hmm.
Melissa Halpin (05:20)
And even when we have the same triggers, whether it's a holiday or whether it's exam time or travel, we both will be flared up at the same time. So it kind of reinforces the idea of we're sensitive and empathic and emotional, but our bodies are responding to it without, you know, maybe with or without our own control.
Antonie (05:37)
Hmm.
So, yeah, maybe what you can do is when you have something like that, a flare up, like just sit with it, you know, so, yeah, sit with it, maybe go to that area where you have to flare up and then just listen and maybe get a sensation like sensations in your body. Because the thing is, I was in those 10 days retreat, I thought of the book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which I've read a long time ago, like 12, 13 years ago.
Melissa Halpin (05:47)
Yeah.
Antonie (06:09)
Completely forgot, except for the fact that you should be in the now. So when I came back, when I came back from that retreat, it was the first thing I did. I went downstairs like here, I have it on my shelf and picked up the book and I opened it. And I came right to that page where he talks about, and you need to get in touch with your inner energy field. And that's exactly what I experienced being doing this Vipassana. You get in touch with your
Melissa Halpin (06:13)
Yes, yes, yes.
Antonie (06:36)
with the energy inside because we are all energy. know, like there's this physical body, but we are like tiny little pieces and it's always moving. so there are sensations in our bodies. And that's what he talks about too. Always try and get in touch, get a sense of the energy in your body. And when you put your attention, let's say even to your hand, after a while, you can feel like a tingling or something.
Melissa Halpin (07:01)
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (07:01)
And
that's what really helps you to be in the present because then it gets you out of your mind and into your body and into feeling the energy, you have the sensations. And then not wondering why is this there, but just like noticing it. this is there. Or like, you know, when you flare up, maybe it's itchy. Just acknowledge it. this is itchy. But then don't judge it. You know, just be with it.
Melissa Halpin (07:25)
I also read The Power of Now, it feels like a million years ago, maybe all the way back in college. And it didn't stick with me at that young age. But then decades later, I read his book, A New Earth. And I have read that four times. And I have given that as gifts for years, because that is one of my just sacred texts.
Antonie (07:32)
Yeah.
Mm.
you
Hmm.
Melissa Halpin (07:50)
his words and there's just the concepts in there are huge for me. Huge. Yeah. So I guess we can both recommend Eckhart Tolle. And I think there's a whole, I'm positive there's some kind of whole online course that you can do with Oprah Winfrey where she interviews him chapter by chapter. I haven't done it, but I've seen.
Antonie (07:59)
Yeah.
See
you.
Melissa Halpin (08:10)
advertisements
for it or clips for it I've thought she's another kind of wise spiritual guru maybe I should go and do that too yeah okay
Antonie (08:20)
I think
for me it's just fascinating that in the end, know, like this Vipassana is really old, this was like developed or like discovered by Buddha two and a half thousand years ago. So that's what he did. That's how he got enlightened. And that's what he passed on to the people who wanted to learn from him. that's, and then, yeah, somehow they kept it up. But in a way it's like, like Eckhart Tolle talks about this, there are all these people, big
Melissa Halpin (08:31)
Yeah.
Antonie (08:45)
coaches, know, and spiritualists, they all talk about this, be in the moment and, but be in the body. That's the, yeah. And I think that was a big eye opener for me. So I felt like, wow, this was the cream of the top of all what I did, what I learned. yeah.
Melissa Halpin (08:51)
Yeah. Yeah.
Right.
It feels really like a universal truth that we're here to live in these bodies and that we can't separate ourselves from them however much we'd like to.
Antonie (09:08)
Yeah, because we think when we think, when we are in our mind, that's how we can separate ourselves from the pain. Because it is the pain that we are feeling in various ways. But even like they talk at the Vipassana, they also talked about the things that we want to, like this craving that we have. Like people, know, like they, even like someone who is an alcoholic or like somebody who is so into sweets, she just can't stop.
Melissa Halpin (09:09)
Yeah.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (09:34)
Once
you get, you understand the sensation, you know what you're trying to satisfy the sensations behind it. And then you kind of level it out, kind of, you know, don't give it that much of an importance. That's how you, yeah, it's how you can get rid of it.
Melissa Halpin (09:39)
Right.
Right.
Right, because it's probably not the craving
for brownies and corn chips. It's something that, some other need that hasn't been met emotionally. Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah. That resonates with me. I've had a thing with food forever. You know, I've been up and down with my weight and, you know, everything from size 10 to size 20 and back over the 50 years I've been alive and...
Antonie (09:52)
Yeah.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Melissa Halpin (10:10)
It's really never about the food, right? It's just about that self-soothing.
Antonie (10:10)
Yeah.
Yeah, there's something that's the unconscious then, know, like there's something else behind it. Yeah. That's what I discovered with a client of mine not too long ago, where she had this thing of always wanting to buy new clothes. Like she has, I don't know, a whole room full of clothes in different sizes. And then we did come up, it boiled down to there was something. Yeah, that's how she needs to satisfy herself because she didn't get it from somebody else.
Melissa Halpin (10:20)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Antonie (10:43)
And yeah, there was a big eye open and yeah, it changed.
Melissa Halpin (10:43)
Right, right.
So let's back up a little bit. you recently went
on this amazing 10 day retreat. But your spiritual journey obviously started a long time ago. And what was the impetus? What was the spark, as we say here at the Kandlin Project, that started this business for you and this coaching practice for you?
Antonie (11:08)
So this was back in 2016. That's emotionally I was in a really bad spot. Well, this has been a pattern in my life. Like it was always like up and down, up and down. Even as a child, I could always remember that I have been pretty much like there was a low grade depression that went through with me throughout my whole life. And
Melissa Halpin (11:12)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (11:30)
So back in 2016, so that was another deep valley place I've been in. And then there was, yeah, something came up like in the emails, like a training, like a personal growth program. And I felt like, wow, I think that's something I need to do. And I did, and it helped, and it really helped me. And it kind of, that's where I started to understand how, you know, all these stories that we tell ourselves, what's happening and poor me and I'm the victim and...
Everybody's bad and had a bad childhood. You know, it's, it has nothing to do with this. It's just kind of how, how I hold it for myself. And so this was like a big stepping stone for me. then, and then we had a chance to get certified as a coach and a facilitator in transformational coaching. And I'm like, I have to, I have to do it. Otherwise I will not stay on the path. Then I will just close the book after the course is done and, and go back to the old ways because that's what usually.
happens for many of us. So that's how this whole journey started. And yeah, it's been a journey ever since.
Melissa Halpin (12:30)
Yeah? Well, I love that
for you. And sometimes the best way to learn something is to teach it. Right? I find that with my own creative practices, it's very difficult to keep up my design skills or keep up my painting practice. But if I put myself in the situation where I'm mentoring or leading, it's that little bit of extra responsibility. It's as much for them as it is for me, right?
Antonie (12:36)
Yeah, exactly. It's good. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yep. It's true. And it keeps me, and it keeps me growing. And that's the thing. Like it's a, it's like a spiral. And that's why my logo is a spiral because that's how I, I see the work you're ever growing and evolving, you know, like there's no stopping once, once you're on that path and you really want to. I, I do like for me, that's I've always been searching and I think I started my search when I was like maybe 27.
Melissa Halpin (12:57)
Yeah. Yeah.
Antonie (13:23)
I'm a little younger, but that's when I really started to work with their therapist and whatever, because I always knew something is not right. Something is off.
Melissa Halpin (13:32)
Right.
So in addition to a life coach, you also call yourself a life curator. And I really love that. And I'd like to know what does that mean to you?
Antonie (13:38)
Yeah.
So to me, well, in a way it's connected, like curating your own life. It's yeah, it's writing your own story, know, flip the story. So it's, it's being, you know, being spiritual because we are spiritual beings. And I think that's, that's what I learned in these last years. And it started with the training that I did that we are more than we think. We are not just this biodegradable suit. That's what.
Jean Houston said in a live training with her, we are much more and so we can, we do have a choice. We can curate the life we truly want by getting in touch with the subconscious, letting go of all the shit. Annoying.
Melissa Halpin (14:18)
Yeah.
It's a very interesting
concept to me because I gather that what you're talking about is metaphysical. It's in your mind, it's in your thoughts, or it's in your body. But I tend to very much be a life curator in the physical world, arranging furniture and choosing colors and being very sensitive to sound and being very sensitive to light. so I like this idea that
Antonie (14:40)
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (14:49)
The same sort of arranging and organizing and placement of the physical world takes place inside. Is that what you're saying?
Antonie (14:56)
Yeah, yeah. Because when the more you. yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it's beautiful, you know, like, and we can all have it if we we just forgot. one no one taught us. That's just been, you know.
Melissa Halpin (14:58)
Yeah, I hadn't, I really hadn't thought of it that way. Yeah, thank you.
Right. It's not taught. Especially, now I mean, I know if our listeners can't tell from your accent that you're not originally from the United States, but I think especially in American life and American culture, there's such a focus on the external. And it isn't taught to children, even just regulating your emotions and sitting still and...
Antonie (15:14)
So, yeah.
Hmm.
Melissa Halpin (15:37)
focusing at all on your inner life is definitely, you know, it's up to each individual family and maybe they do something at church or maybe they go to a yoga class, but it isn't culturally talked about that I know of or that I remember with myself growing up or with my kids.
Antonie (15:50)
Hmm.
But it's the same in Germany, you that's how I grew up. It was very, yeah, like, yeah, exactly.
Melissa Halpin (15:56)
Yeah, Western culture, right.
Right.
So, do you want to talk a little bit about how you ended up being an expat here? How did that come about?
Antonie (16:07)
How did it come about? well, you know, that's the story with my husband. Yeah, it's yeah. Yeah, I'm proud. I'm glad that we had what we had. So, yeah, become what I've been an expert before because I well, I've been a late, plumer with even with school. But the school system is very different in Germany. But I decided to go to college when I was 27. So was really rather late.
Melissa Halpin (16:09)
Yes.
Yeah, I know. I know it's hard. I'll let you tell it.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (16:36)
And then after I was done, I had a chance to work in Malta, which is like a tiny little island or like a country in the Mediterranean, southwest of Sicily or between Italy and Africa. that was actually my first time being an expat in a way, but I was on my own. But that's where I met my husband and we both worked for the same company.
Melissa Halpin (16:44)
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (16:58)
And then I quit the job. went back, I moved back to Germany and then I moved in with him. So we were there for two years and then he got kind of tired of the job that he had and he wanted to have a change. then through beautiful circumstances was not a coincidence. You know, things happen for a reason. He was offered a job here in the U S and so for me, it was kind of, Ooh.
Well, he did it because I went along with him. He would have never done it on his own, but I'm always this adventurous girl and always wanted to, yeah. Adventures was always good for me. And that's what I did then. Like I left my corporate job behind me. I was working for GM Europe and I was never happy. I always thought I'm not in the right place, but I didn't know what it was. yeah. So that's how we got married.
Melissa Halpin (17:27)
Right.
Antonie (17:43)
I became the trailing spouse so that I could be here legally and that's how we moved in here to Michigan. This has been like over 22 years now and yeah.
Melissa Halpin (17:53)
Wow, 23
years. So were your children born here? They were. They were. And I know in the time that I've known you, you suddenly lost your husband. I can't extend enough sympathy or enough loving kindness to you for that enormous loss, but...
Antonie (18:05)
Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (18:16)
So many of us are gonna have this. We're gonna lose a spouse or a loved one. God forbid a child, a parent of course is a normal part of life. How has that affected you and your family and also this journey you're on with your coaching and your business?
Antonie (18:34)
Mm.
Well, it certainly helped me to grow even more spiritually. And I remember back then, because when he passed, this was January, 2024, I was in like a, a group coaching setting for my own sake and my coach and mentor, he's a very special person. And so I did ask him, so why did this happen?
Melissa Halpin (18:51)
Mm-hmm.
Antonie (18:59)
Because was, yeah, it was hard too, because I thought he will live like forever, my husband, because his dad, he was 91 when he died. And Dida was just the same, like strong and yeah, just being in life. so, so it was just, I just couldn't understand, but then he, it was hard in the beginning, but now I totally get it. Like he said, well, his time was up. That's it. You know, so, so when your time is up as a soul in, in this.
Melissa Halpin (19:11)
Great.
Right.
Antonie (19:27)
body, like in this biodegradable suit, then you leave no matter what, what happens. And it's just, yeah, it's, it's, was very sudden. It was kind of, you know, one minute he was there, the next he was gone. Yeah. So, but I think that's what it helped me to grow more spiritually and see it even more that we are souls incarnated into this world right now. And we are on a, on a path. have tasks to do, like all.
Melissa Halpin (19:36)
Yeah.
Antonie (19:53)
whatever we are facing, it's part of the deal when we come into this world. And I see it now for Dita, like he did his part, like he left quite a legacy actually. so that's, a way it's beautiful to just know that he served his purpose, he did it well. so I'm grateful for whatever we had with him, me and my kids. And that's how...
Melissa Halpin (20:05)
Yeah.
Yeah.
you
I think.
Antonie (20:17)
I don't, I just keep going. don't allow myself to, you know, when I cry and it's coming up and I think with this Vipassana, I have more emotional moments again, where I just have a memory and then I just, tears come and it's, yeah. But then it's fine. I let it go. And yeah. So, and I guess that's how I went on with life. It's not that I pushed it away. I didn't want to face the grief or anything, but I just, I just kept going.
Melissa Halpin (20:33)
Yeah.
Antonie (20:44)
And yeah, because there's a house, you know, I have a house, have 10 acres of land as well. so it's just kind of, and I want to keep it up because I know it, I do it for him because that's what he would have done. that's kind of, yeah, all these things that just keep me going. yeah.
Melissa Halpin (20:55)
Thank
I read something that you wrote online about, you know, that he's still here, I think. And that really resonated with me about losing loved ones is that they're physically not here, but they're always with us, right? They are still here. That concept, and I think that's so universal, whether people believe in angels or whether they create a...
Antonie (21:10)
Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (21:18)
an altar in their home to speak to a loved one or they go to the cemetery to a grave. It's definitely kind of a universal understanding that human connection doesn't end with life, that the people that we care about are still here.
Antonie (21:22)
then.
Yeah.
Mm.
Melissa Halpin (21:34)
So I feel that from you and I hope your kids are having that experience too where he's still in their lives in a new way.
Antonie (21:40)
Yeah, Dave,
you know, it's just, yeah, it's, it's what it is, but they keep going. And, and yeah. And, I think sometimes with Dita, because I know like people are different, like last night I talked to a friend, like she's, she's like a mediator, like she can get in touch with mediums or like she's, yeah. So she, she even feels Dita's presence, which I do not, like, I don't have that kind of sense, but I know that he's.
maybe intervening sometimes, like, you know, like I want to do something and then all it just doesn't work. And I'm like, I don't know, why doesn't it work? And then afterwards I'm like, I'm pretty sure he, he kind of tried not me not doing it because it, yeah, because in hindsight I knew it was, it would have been a really bad idea. it's, it's just, yeah. So I know he's, he's there, he's helping and supporting us.
Melissa Halpin (22:16)
Yeah, yeah.
had those experiences. My mother-in-law, my father-in-law died during the, at the beginning of the pandemic and then she had to do so much of her grieving in her house alone which was just really horrendous and so she had these wind chimes in her family room that she had brought in for the winter.
Antonie (22:39)
Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (22:47)
My father-in-law died in January. And of course, there's no wind in the house exactly. But occasionally they would chime for her. And she felt during that whole year that Bob was there. my husband and I, I mean, we thought it was lovely story. And we felt that it was comforting to her that it was happening. But we didn't have the feeling ourselves that it was happening.
Antonie (22:48)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (23:09)
And then after the pandemic, we were all over there. You know, it had been maybe six months since we had all seen each other and we were there, I think for Easter. And we were all in the family room and the chimes, you know, the wind chimes started moving and we heard the chimes and then we all just got chills and we all were like, she's right. Bob is here. It was just extremely moving and powerful, unexplainable spiritual.
Antonie (23:23)
So.
Wow. Yep. Yep.
Melissa Halpin (23:34)
moment so yeah
Antonie (23:35)
the
Melissa Halpin (23:37)
Well, but you're a year out and I'm sure you're still grieving, but you're doing other things. You're moving along. What kind of activities are you doing with Cutloos that you want to share?
Antonie (23:48)
So, well, I did, yeah, kind of step into a retreat with the coaching itself, even though, you know, I'm just reforming myself and wondering who do I want to work with and what is it that I'm really good at? Or like, what's mine to do? Or like, do ask God, find me where you know I need to be. So that's the question sometimes. Find me where you know I need to be because that's...
Melissa Halpin (23:59)
Right.
Antonie (24:14)
But I learned about myself. I can be very pushy and I'm like, I want to do this. I want to do this, but then it doesn't work. So it's kind of, hmm, because something is off. Yeah. So something is not right. And so for me, I'm doing, I like gatherings. like, you know, having women in the house and I'm a great host and people always say, you're such a great gatherer and you bring harmony in. So I do have a little workshop.
in person, excuse me, be in Oxford on Saturday before Mother's Day, where we kind of braid, like we use threads of material from clothing or just wool, and then we braid them into plates. And it's just kind of putting in all the love and care about mothers, about women in life. You don't have to be a mother of actual children.
You can be a mother of an idea, you know, of a community, just because you don't have physical children doesn't mean that you're not a mother. You know, we are always somehow nurturing someone. So that's, that's a little personal gathering that I have in the afternoon, but I, yeah, that's what you will find information on the website or in, in the emails that I send out. And, and I'm, I'm contemplating of holding a retreat.
Melissa Halpin (25:10)
Creating.
Antonie (25:26)
like a two, three day retreat, maybe somewhere else, maybe not here in Michigan, somewhere else. And I really want to speak to high achieving women who have all this success and the wealth and the freedom, the impact that they create and are really admired by others. But then they themselves wonder sometimes secretly. So at what cost? Like what is it costing me all this?
Melissa Halpin (25:27)
Mmm.
you
Antonie (25:51)
Because you know, many times they have all the success, but then they're lacking out in other places, like in relationships or even like relationships with their employees or whatever, you know, like there's certain things going on that they are missing. So that's what I would like to speak to in that retreat. it's, yeah, it will have a spiritual touch and because that's just what it is.
Melissa Halpin (25:51)
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's very much my spark or my intention with the Killing Project is I do feel like you can have it all as they sort of, you know, the culture tries to tell you that you should have it all. You should be healthy and you should be attractive and you should be in a relationship and have kids and have a career. And you can even get to a point in midlife where you do have
Antonie (26:30)
Thanks.
Melissa Halpin (26:36)
it all or essentially all the things you set out for and still find yourself with some sense of lacking and still there is sometimes and I don't even really understand why this is
Antonie (26:44)
Hmm.
Melissa Halpin (26:49)
Sometimes we put all our energy in what we were told to do instead of listening to what we were here to do, that inner fire or that inner guide that we have. And so maybe you're a successful, in my case, I'll use me as an example, a successful design agency owner. But there's always this little part of me that wants to be a painter.
Antonie (26:53)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (27:09)
And I meet these women all the time
that are doctors or lawyers or business owners, but maybe they want to write a book or maybe they want to have a huge garden or a restaurant or maybe they want to climb Mount Everest or maybe they want to run for public office. And why is it that we, even the high achieving women, we'll put all this kindling, if you will, on
Antonie (27:22)
Mm.
Melissa Halpin (27:34)
Everybody else is fire and will do what's expected of us and oftentimes succeed and then still end up with that little tiny feeling inside of what am I doing here? How did I get here? There's a song that I think of all the time. was like, whose house is this? Who's, know, what is that? Talking heads. Like, where am I? Whose house is this? Whose marriage is this? And.
Antonie (27:44)
Hmm.
Okay, yeah.
Melissa Halpin (27:55)
I think it's that sort of getting back in touch with your true self. Yeah. Yeah.
Antonie (27:59)
And your values, know, what's really
truly valuable to you. And yet there are many things you can look at and then actually do it. it doesn't mean that you have to leave your corporate world job or like what I did. It doesn't mean. Yeah. It's still kind of, yeah, sometimes finding a balance of this all and, you know, an understanding.
Melissa Halpin (28:13)
No, and maybe you don't want to, right? Maybe you're proud of it, or maybe it feeds your family. Right.
Antonie (28:26)
Once you get to that place where you understand, this is what I truly want and that's what feeds my soul. And then when you're open to it, know, things will shift. That's the beauty of this sometimes, you know, like you don't always know what to do and how to do it. But it's kind of when you open yourself up to what's underneath all this, like your subconscious and everything, and then things will shift. That's like the synchronicities that happen then, you know, which you don't always know.
Melissa Halpin (28:31)
Right.
Antonie (28:54)
So doesn't mean, because that's what I did. I left it all behind because I'm like, if I leave this job, if I move here and, know, and then if I have kids, life will be great. And it wasn't either. it's, yeah. Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (28:54)
Yeah.
Yeah, right. Well,
I just don't think that you ever stop.
I don't think you ever stop, at least in my case, experiencing that desire that has been dimmed. You know it's there. However neglected it is, it's like a little nagging thought that underlies everything. I'm really very interested in what is it about women or about culture that gets us off the track?
so often because I, you know, let's say I meet a very successful attorney and she's doing great, but she wishes she had run for public office. You can meet the same person who's a successful nurse who wishes she had been an attorney or you, know, people come to me and they say, you know, you're so lucky you're
Antonie (29:43)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (29:53)
you're artistic and creative and you're running a design agency and I want to figure out how to run a design agency or a marketing firm or branding firm. And then I'm thinking, I wish I had a gallery. I wish I had painted more. So what is it about all of us that sort of end up in the wrong lane or in the wrong race? It isn't necessarily that the thing we chose was wrong. It's right for somebody else. It's a curious thing.
Antonie (30:06)
Yeah.
Yeah, but it's just sometimes because we don't, we don't know,
we don't understand what we truly value. You know, like that's, that's at least that was part for me. Like I just didn't understand, like even when I went back to school, when I was 27, I still didn't pick the right thing because I didn't understand how to listen to myself. And I didn't have anyone asking the right questions. I think that's what it is sometimes too. Sometimes you just need someone and that's why I always
Melissa Halpin (30:22)
Yeah.
Right.
Antonie (30:42)
We all need a coach. We all need someone who's questioning what you're doing, know, like in kind of, yeah, and not just kind of follow what everybody does or like that's, you know, that's what you do and don't even think about it. So that's how it was for me. I just didn't understand how to listen to myself and, know.
Melissa Halpin (30:47)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and I do think that like the paradigm that a lot of coaches and school counselors and career advisors still hold the framework of what's practical or what's going to make money. Or they look at your aptitude tests. Like, you know, I have a 16 year old and a 20 year old and my 16 year old went through this stuff in middle school where they do some kind of aptitude testing and they tell you, you would be good in finance.
Antonie (31:13)
Yep, exactly.
Melissa Halpin (31:25)
or you would be good in this or that. And he wasn't happy with those results. He was like, wait, I want to be XYZ. Why are they telling me I'd be good at? I think one of the things they told him was an actuary. And didn't even know what an actuary was. And I really encouraged him. This is just information and data. And you don't have to put too much weight in the fact that they gave you a printout with your top three.
Antonie (31:25)
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (31:49)
Career choices. If it doesn't appeal to you, just chuck it out and go and try some things. And my daughter, who's 20, she's really struggling with, what do I want to study? And I don't want to waste time and money getting a useless degree. And I try to tell her, there's no useless degree. It's a process of elimination. Take the classes you're interested in, and if they don't amount to anything, that's information.
that you have now that you don't want to be a psychologist or you don't want to be a social worker, you don't want to go into medicine. So I do think that it's really about flipping how we filter, how we filter the information. Because there are advisors and coaches all along the way and ministers and teachers and people constantly barraging you with advice. But I'm not sure it comes in a very usable way.
Antonie (32:17)
moment.
Okay, up and then.
Melissa Halpin (32:37)
to most young people. well, I young people. I'm in my 50s. I still feel like I'm getting bad advice all the time.
Antonie (32:37)
So.
Yeah. Yeah. That's, know, and I'm not talking about advice. that's, that's anyways, like the coaching that I, you know, what I believe we shouldn't give advice. That's why I say ask the right questions so that you question yourself. You know, like, well, you know, and even if you don't know it and you don't know, but you just, it's, like something gets triggered when you have certain questions. don't know. Giving advice is the worst thing that we can do because that's what I understand now too, because.
Melissa Halpin (32:47)
Right. Yeah.
Right.
Antonie (33:10)
We don't know what this would like. I don't know what your souls purposes here in life, you know, what your tasks are. So I would advise you to something which might not suit you at all. Maybe it makes sense logically, but it's not. Yeah. So that's why open ended questions. That's the best you can ask. then,
Melissa Halpin (33:15)
Right.
Right, right, right.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah,
it sounds like you're enjoying this work a lot.
Antonie (33:32)
You do this, yeah. Because it helps me so much. That's why I'm like, wow, you know, like, yeah. I just want to share it, help others too.
Melissa Halpin (33:33)
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You mentioned that you have just enough German honesty to cut through the fluff. I like that. Tell us what that is.
Antonie (33:47)
Yeah.
I think that's what we are. That's maybe the culture, a big cultural difference here for being a German because we are so authentic. am real honest, you know, so and here people are more polite, you like, which we pick up then as well, which is good too, you know, so but we're just kind of honest, like straight and yeah.
Melissa Halpin (33:54)
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right. I remember, so my very first job was in a museum in California. And the woman who worked in finance or accounting, I don't remember her job title. Her name was Uta. And we had to submit all kinds of receipts and documentation, right? Because we were building this big museum and we had contractors and we were buying computer equipment and whatever.
It felt like to me that I was always in trouble with her. And she would come into my office and however I had filled out the form, had filled out the form incorrectly. And sometimes I just signed my name like a little bit under the line. But there was, and I chalk it up to German-ness, but maybe it was also her personality and...
you know, being a finance person and having attention to detail, but I always felt that she was correcting me. And I always felt like, why am I always in trouble with Uta? Here she comes. And, but over time I really got to know her and I really got to love her and I really got to appreciate that it was, it was just a straightforwardness. There wasn't any time to be like, hey, Melissa, how are you? It was this form, this form.
Antonie (34:58)
Love you.
the world.
Melissa Halpin (35:17)
You signed it on the wrong line again. So I
Antonie (35:19)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Melissa Halpin (35:25)
don't know if you're that far into the category I'm describing, but that's what your statement made me think of.
Antonie (35:28)
No, but I hear you.
But I also can tell you because my husband, well, he did work in the corporate world, you know, like for all these years here. And he honestly, appreciated working in the American culture, like because people are so much, they're just more, they're nice. Maybe he missed sometimes, or like, you know, sometimes you just have to get to the point and say, okay, this is not okay what you did. But it's still like people are just more friendly with each other.
Melissa Halpin (35:42)
huh. Right.
Antonie (35:55)
We're in Germany, they just punch you and that's it.
Melissa Halpin (35:58)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not as soft, but I can appreciate the straightforwardness.
Sometimes we need it. Yeah, sometimes we can waste time.
Antonie (36:04)
Yeah. So, yeah.
Melissa Halpin (36:07)
Well, I think we're coming to almost an hour here. I have so many more questions I'd like to ask you. Like, certainly, you're welcome to come back and talk to me on the podcast. And if you want to engage more in the community, answer some questions, I've often thought that maybe you and I should have a weekly or a daily ritual of some sort, like just a little something that we could try to get engagement. I know in our crazy world right now, people are
Antonie (36:16)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Melissa Halpin (36:33)
overstimulated and overwhelmed and and It's hard to get engagement But I'm it sounds like we're both seeking that we're both trying. We're both working towards that in some way Hopefully not in a pushy way but in a gentle way that people are responding to you I certainly feel I feel grateful for you. I feel grateful for your time on the podcast today and in the community So I just want to thank you
and we'll certainly include all of your links everywhere that everybody can find you, whether it's your website or your social media channels. Is there anything else? Is there anything else we missed that you wanted to tell our listeners?
Antonie (37:09)
well, just watch out, watch out for me. What's coming, you know? So it's, yeah. It's, it's just, it's like things are brewing in me and, and yeah. I just want to be available. Yeah. And, but I think the big thing for me is the retreats. Like that's what I just love.
Melissa Halpin (37:11)
Watch out, right?
Yeah, yeah. Look for you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Antonie (37:29)
having many not just one. Well, I do love the one on one coaching. And I think that's what I want to say. Like whoever wants to decide to work with me, it's a longer commitment. It's not like a session here and there. You know, if you want to achieve something, this is like a, I would say six or even a whole year of commitment. Yeah. Because otherwise you're not getting anywhere. Yeah. And it's not satisfying for me either. Yeah. So
Melissa Halpin (37:48)
Makes sense.
Yeah, and it's so hard
in our busy lives to make those commitments. I just did six months of coaching with the spiritual coach, soul coach, I call her, but also she was a business coach. And it was hard to make the commitment financially and time-wise. But now I've taken a break from six months, and I feel like it's going to take a whole six months to integrate what we talked about and what we worked on and the habits.
Antonie (38:14)
Mm.
Melissa Halpin (38:17)
So even once you make the commitment to the coach or to the process, you still have to integrate what you learned. You need time to implement ideas and practices.
Antonie (38:24)
Yeah. yeah. And that's, that's kind of
part of how, how I do it. So it shouldn't feel overwhelming, you know, when you have work with a coach, it's more like I'm walking, like I'm holding hands with you and I walk with you. guide you and you, well, the person needs to choose their own way, but I'm there for them. So that's how, that's how I see it. Yeah. So, And it's in.
Melissa Halpin (38:48)
Yeah.
Antonie (38:49)
You can put a value to the transformation. That's the thing sometimes. People say, I can't afford it, it's too much. then when you think about what you get, how life will shift for you, that's priceless.
Melissa Halpin (39:02)
For sure.
Antonie (39:03)
It's just a different way of looking at it.
Melissa Halpin (39:05)
Yeah. And I do find that, I mean, we're very much female-centered at the Kindling Project, and I'm sure it applies to men too, but I do find that so many women, and also so many Gen X women, so many of us dealing with midlife, there's a sense of we have to make these investments in ourselves. Not that we're running out of time exactly, but we are at the halfway point. If we're going to get to it, it's time to get to it.
Antonie (39:30)
Yeah. Yep. And I, well, I invested a lot and I, was worth every cent. Yep. It's just, yeah. And you can't do it alone by yourself. That's the, that's the thing. Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (39:30)
Yeah. Me too. Me too. Me too.
Yeah.
I think that's the big lesson. And I think that's why women are coming to retreats and joining communities, whether it's small round tables or big, huge 300-person events. They're finding themselves in these spaces because you can't do it alone. Yeah. Yeah.
Antonie (39:51)
Yeah.
Yeah. And you're
not alone. Yeah. Like that's what my coach always said, you know, like the most personal question or concern that you have is the most general because you're not the only one you, you always, sometimes we think, my God, I'm the only one who is dealing with this. then when you listen to others, you're like, okay. Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (40:15)
Yeah.
Yeah,
no, no. mean, the patterns and the rhythms of life just apply to all of us. So I guess that's the good news that we're not alone.
Antonie (40:27)
Yeah.
Melissa Halpin (40:27)
Well, my friend, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It was a pleasure to talk to you today.
Antonie (40:31)
Thanks. Thanks Melissa for having me. It was really
a joy speaking with you.
Melissa Halpin (40:35)
This conversation has been a gift, Antonia, and we will let all of our listeners know in the show notes where they can find you. And I just want to thank you for your clarity, your soul, your sparkle today that you shared with the Kindling Project. And to everyone listening, if you're standing at a turning point, I want you to know it's never too late. You can cut loose, you can join Antonia's community.
You can follow that light inside of you. You can join the Kindling Project. Women like Antonia and I are building these spaces because we know you're looking for them. And we hear you and we see you. And it's a difficult time. It's a difficult time in our world and in our society and in our culture with the demands on women. And you're not alone.