Creating midlife opportunity

Don't panic! Here's how to turn your midlife crisis into an opportunity for change and growth.

Are you feeling unsettled–stuck, questioning your identity and purpose in life?

You might be at the crossroads of a midlife crisis. You are not alone— Join Melissa, Amy, and Monica as they discuss their journeys towards discovering new paths during times of upheaval. Through The Kindling Project, these inspiring women are helping other women transform crisis into opportunity- come listen to the stories that might help unlock those possibilities for yourself too!

Want to dive deeper? Check out episode 15 of our podcast--packed with insights and fresh perspectives that will leave you eager for more. 

Learn more about The Kindling Project at our website: https://www.thekindlingproject.com/ and join our Facebook group for women looking for that extra kindling to start their subsequent big fire! The Kindling Project - Ignite. The Kindling Project is sponsored by Memora, an experience design agency that creates memorable brand experiences. Memora is offering our listeners a FREE 30-minute brand consultation. Schedule yours now.

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• Transcript

  eak with intention, because we don't wanna disrupt the flow. We don't wanna argue about it. We wanna just keep going. The bullshit part is, it's really about using other people as an excuse for me not to do something that I wanna do. Do you know what I mean? I think it's easy for women, to say, oh, I can't do this because I have to wait till my husband retires, or I have to wait until my kids go to school, or when, when I fix the bathroom. Or it's always about when. And I say, why not now? We're not talking about- we're giving examples. I gave an example of a career change. Okay. That's a whole other example. We're not just talking about that. I'm just talking about just changing your narrative inside, because so many women are taught, don't listen to yourself. Take care of everybody else. Put everybody else's oxygen mask on first, and then we'll get to you.

  [00:23:49] Melissa: Really that was about, my example was like that too, of doctors telling me, you're fine. There's not a problem here. And whether it's society or yourself, or your doctor, or your spouse or your family history and the way you were raised. It is about looking in and asking yourself, are these things true? These things that I've been telling myself or I've been living by. And- or maybe they've just served their time and their purpose and it's time to have a new-you know, write a new narrative, write a new book. I think that's one of the great things that Monica brings to our little trifecta here, is that ability to put things into words.

  [00:24:30] Amy: There's a lot of women in our Ignite group that want to write, they want to journal. That's something that- that I- that I can really see. And that's one of the reasons why I talk about roots, because roots are something that they're grounding. They're something that we've had for a long time. And in terms of a narrative and a root, maybe, I've always told myself that I can't write. That I- what I have to say isn't important or, who cares? People don't wanna know my story, this narrative that I'm not enough or I'm not good enough, whatever it is that's a route that isn't serving me any longer. And so my route leaving my job was, I'm not doing this anymore. And it was scary and it's and there's fear involved, but we also have to listen to that voice and trust it .

  [00:25:19] Monica: Moving past those emotions of, okay, we recognize that we're going through this midlife crisis. We realize this moment, this is happening now we have words to it. We can acknowledge it. How do we wrap our hands around that? It's how do we get past those emotions? I'm curious, Amy, if you would have any advice to women who are wrestling with emotions and not moving forward or making decisions.

  [00:25:44] Amy: The first thing I would suggest is to really be still, to be still. And, oh my goodness, how hard is it to be still, people that are like, oh, I'm- they're busy with the busiest. They're here. They're there. They're over here. They're backwards. They're forwards. They're in, they're out. They're going in circles. I get that. We are a busy society, okay? We are busy people. I understand that. But we all have choices to be still. And what I really mean by that is to sit and really start to think about, what it is that brings you joy. What it is- what is- what has that narrative been telling you? Is it telling you that it's time for a switch? Is it telling you that it's time for a pivot, or are you just talking yourself out of it? And that stillness can be very uncomfortable for us because we use all these people around us. I call them smoke screens. And Monica, you talk a lot about holding up the mirror, and so I say hold up the mirror to yourself. What is it that you're really hearing inside? Don't talk yourself out of it. Hear what it is, and then put pen to paper. And do some journaling. Or read, a daily inspiring meditation or something, but just start bringing that energy inward. Just those few suggestions are uncomfortable. Oh, I don't have time for that. I can't. Oh, wow. You're so lucky. You have a- No, it's because it's a priority.

  [00:27:13] Melissa: Well, and I think I was talking to a business coach of mine yesterday a little bit about this and a really wise thing that he said to me was, your body is going to take the time anyway. You are going to zone out while you're driving in the car, or you are going to binge Netflix or eat a whole pizza or- but don't you wanna take that time intentionally? You are gonna have these breaks and these moments of shutting down the busyness because no one can go forever like an energizer bunny. But if saying you're going to start a meditation practice, for example, or a yoga practice or a journaling practice feels overwhelming, it's important to remember that your body is already gonna force you into the breaks, whether they're intentional or not. So think about those breaks as useful to you. And helpful to you in getting where you wanna go, especially when we're talking about, we might not have as much time to get there that we used to have because of where we are in our age and our storyline. So I agree. I call bullshit on not having time and I call bullshit on this idea that, wait until I retire. One of my big things in life was always, when I lose weight, right? And I just kind of got to a point of a million diets and maybe I'm just always gonna be a little chunky. Maybe it's fine. This is how I showed up here, right? And I'm not gonna let that prevent me from hopping in the pool or wearing a bathing suit or going to that black tie dinner in a more form fitting dress than I'm comfortable in. There's a million wait untils, right? Or excuses.

  [00:28:55] Monica: Do you all have like a daily dosage of things that you do that are like non-negotiable to make sure you align yourselves every morning to live these truths as we call them?

  [00:29:07] Melissa: I'm working on it. I'm really a work in progress, but some of the things that I have experimented with in the last few years? Definitely. I've been in and out of yoga practice thanks to Amy. She's a wonderful yoga teacher, in addition to being a therapist and over the years that I've known her and our other friend Amy, they've drug me along to yoga classes, and so trying to fit in time for meditation or breathing. Recently I've been doing some face yoga on an app. So that kind of practice. Some kind of intentional, yeah I'm not real good at just meditation, but yoga feels like meditation for me. It feels like quiet time and it's not quiet time zoning out in the car right. Or zoning out in front of the Netflix. It's just, it's carved out in an intentional. And I also have done some therapy, which I highly recommend there's no shame in getting some professional advice if it's mental health or emotional wellbeing. And most recently I've been talking to a business coach. I have had my own business for 12 years and I- I kind of read all these business books and they always talk about scaling up. Scaling up, right? I think that's even a title of one of the big books. But I feel like my business growth and revenue is more like up and down. And so after hitting a bunch of walls, finally acknowledged, you know what, bring in some help. Get another opinion. Get a coach. So I think those are all examples of things that I've been doing in recent years.

  [00:30:31] Monica: What about you? Ames.

  [00:30:33] Amy: So I- I have my- you've all heard me say my three E's and they don't start with- they don't all start with ease, but this is what it is. It's my physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. And basically, if I can tap into those three on a daily basis I'm gonna set myself up for success. So, how it looks for me is first thing in the morning, I connect to my spirituality. It's connecting to God, to my my higher power because I have to remind myself that I'm not in charge. I- I have my whole agenda and I'm like, okay, here we go. But then the wheels go off. And so I have to be prepared to be okay with that. We call it life on life's terms. So the first thing for me to do is to connect. And I really started doing that for many years ago. But one of the reasons I believe is because of the field I've been in and the work I've done and being with so many people dying. There was so much spirituality going on there. I realized just how important my relationship is outside of myself. Okay, so spirituality, boom, physical. If I'm gonna have a good day, I absolutely have to exercise in the morning. For me, the last couple years, it's been Pure Bar. Now you call it Pure Bar, but I call it pure hell under my breath. And it's amazing, but it's really hard. And then the emotional, I have to connect to something outside of myself. So maybe I text someone who I'm thinking about and just let 'em know I'm thinking about them. Or I write a little note and I pop it in the mail. Maybe I'll spend time for a little bit with a family member, I'm like I gotta just check in. So it's connecting to my emotional, physical, and spiritual roots. So that's it in a nutshell. What about you, Mick?

  [00:32:18] Monica: Similar. Amy, I have- I call it my five F's. So for me, I've gotta be able to touch these five things daily. Faith. And that for me starts with journaling and also meditation. My second F would be not in this order necessarily, finance. Like I wanna make sure that the decisions I make on a daily basis how I spend my money are wise because I do care. I like to be financially secured. I- we weren't as kids, so I'll- I never want to feel that way again. My third F is friends and family. Which means just touching base. Connecting, making sure, checking in on them. Cuz we often forget we're so busy, so busy and sometimes like, you know what, the people around us need us too. We need to check in and make sure they're okay. Then I also have, did I say fitness? Movement is critical to me. Yeah. So I've gotta move and my fifth f for the day is fun. I mean, I don't care if it's 20 minutes dance, partying my kitchen with my kid, watching something funny. If I'm not laughing or having a little fun throughout the day, what's the point? What's the point of any of it? Right.

  [00:33:23] Amy: Yeah. Yeah. Everything is so serious. Let me clarify too. I don't hit my three E's every day. Just so everybody knows. This is- like Melissa. I am also a work in progress. Do I give it my all every day? I don't. Do I want to? Yes, but do I have to practice? It's a discipline, the last couple weeks I haven't exercised because I tweaked my lower back and man, I am like a- I am prickly because I haven't exercised and it's so important for my mental health to do that. So I just, I wanna be really clear, I'm not hitting these every single day. And that is why it is a discipline. But I need structure because left to my own devices, I'm just going to binge watch Netflix, get some McDonald's and chill out for- till somebody comes looking for me.

  [00:34:13] Monica: Yeah, I think the mindset of having the good intentions is always a really good start. And I think ultimately that's what we're saying is like we set up to do the right things. Of course, life is messy and things get sideways and who can say no to french fries? I mean, come on. Right. So that's life.

  [00:34:32] Amy: It's so true and you know what? Also, I'm sure you two can relate to this. For so long, it was just so much about, oh, I can eat this. I can't eat this. I have to work out, I have to burn these calories, but I'm okay taking a couple days off. I'm o- I have to give myself grace because I'm finding in this midlife, it's harder to get up in the morning. I mean, I've gotten up at essentially 5:30, 5 o'clock in the morning for- since Cole was born.

  [00:35:02] Monica: Do you think we get credit for sweating at night? Because my sweat angels, I feel like I should be collecting-

  [00:35:08] Amy: I love that. Yes, we, you're, you know what? Gosh-

  [00:35:11] Monica: isn't that cardio? I feel like that's, cardio.

  [00:35:13] Melissa: Yeah! It feels like cardio!

  [00:35:16] Monica: My clothes tell me so. So girls, as we talk about this midlife situation and we're, we've identified and now we're doing and we're playing and now we're trying things and we're obviously growing and loving on the kindling project, this idea of fanning that tiny fire that needs feel and fanning, what are we thinking? I wanna hear, I think we should tell our listeners what our kindling projects are personally. So why don't you go Mel.

  [00:35:42] Melissa: So I think Amy and I said this over and over. Our big kindling project is the Kindling project, right? This desire to serve, to give back, to help women, to partner with women, to be in community with other women. So that's the big one, but one constant thread in my life, my personal kindling project that I don't have partners in, and it's not a registered business and there's no website for it, but it's art making. The place where I am truest myself and feel the most balanced and feel like everything's right in the world is art making.

  [00:36:18] And I think that whether I'm painting or drawing, which I don't make enough time for, it really isn't everything I do, right? It's the table that I set for my company or the way I arrange my home or the website I'm building for a client, and I think where it ties into like midlife questioning is, so I showed up here as an artist and when I'm in the zone, I'm art making, but what about just making art for me? Right? What about having that one woman show? What about not necessarily selling my creativity, but exploring my creativity without any requirement or outcome at the other end of it? That's the top of the list for, I don't necessarily I'm not walking away from the design agency. I just started this other business with you ladies, the kindling project, but I gotta find room for the art making too. That's my personal kindling project.

  [00:37:12] Monica: The world will thank you for it. So please bring it on because you're so incredibly talented and the way you see the world and the way you see with color is really magnificent. So I'm really excited for that one person show. Amy and I, we want VIP tickets, please.

  [00:37:27] Melissa: Ah,

  [00:37:28] Amy: yes.

  [00:37:28] Melissa: You guys are there!

  [00:37:29] Amy: Oh my gosh. How exciting. I know. What about you Mick?

  [00:37:32] Monica: Obviously this kindling project is been a gem I've been blogging for Together Joy, and then marrying it with the kindling project, which is so aligned with my messaging. I do have a greater purpose though. I truly want to be a social impactor and social influencer, but not from a perspective of what most of us think of as an influencer. I am really wanting to nudge women in particular to be better and do better, in particular with giving back to our communities. There's so many wonderful organizations. I spend a lot of time meeting and interviewing women and writing about them because they have created these social enterprises that are helping thousands and thousands of people. The ripple effect of the consciousness of the- for the good, for the betterment of humanity, it really gets me excited. So ultimately, I would love to run a social enterprise where everything I do monetize goes right back into the communities and organizations.

  [00:38:30] Amy: I love that. I love that. I've been thinking my big kindling project is a TED Talk. I've talked about it, I've dreamed about it. I even have a dress for it. It is my Ted Talk dress, and I talk about wanting to be out there and what I want it to be about is supporting. Cheering people on and really sharing my professional and personal experiences to, to hopefully inspire other people. I do feel that I have that gift really seeing things in people and maybe pushing them through. Now, the TED Talk, you both have heard me talk about that, so that's the big kindling. Ironically, I love to go inward and be alone, and I love crocheting. I love practicing yoga. So much of me is outward and I love to come inward. That's when I'm really fueling. Someone was describing the difference between an introvert and an extrovert and they said an introvert gets their energy from being alone. And I was like, oh, that's pretty interesting. I can relate to that because I love the limelight, I love the stage, but in my private time, I really like the quiet and the alone time. Well, my alone is, with the dogs or kids around, but it's really more of an inward. That's why I love crocheting because it's a moving meditation for my hands, and I can really focus and be inward. It's the same with yoga.

  [00:39:50] Melissa: I think that's one of the surprises about you Ame, is that you're so outgoing and you're so warm, and I just always think of you as like a pied piper. People are following you, right? And they love you and they want you to hug them and reassure them. Come six o'clock, you're a pumpkin. Right? , it's almost impossible to get you out of the house. We- you would think that if you meet Amy, that she's the life of the party, but only during business hours.

  [00:40:15] Amy: She's not at the party.

  [00:40:17] Melissa: She's not even at the party. She like, she skates out the back door

  [00:40:21] Amy: right now. I did go out last Saturday night! So.

  [00:40:25] Melissa: Oh, hard to imagine!

  [00:40:27] Amy: I know. I- and I had fun and I thought, you know what, I'm gonna start doing more of this. So maybe I'm coming out of my shell, so.

  [00:40:35] Monica: That's good. This has been fun conversation. It's something that resonates with a lot of women. That's why I love the Kindling Project, ignite Group is this connection that we're not alone. We haven't lost our minds. This is a very common theme. But we can flip the narrative, we can flip the conversation and turn it into something good. Thanks, for sharing your stories and hopefully our listeners enjoyed a little tidbit about our personal lives.

  [00:40:59] Amy: Yeah I'm so glad we all, we're all here together kicking off our season two episode 21. I'm really honored to be working with both of you. People don't see us in the weeds of this process. And there's a lot that goes behind the scenes. And I just wanna recognize both of you and all of us as a team to really, we're gonna keep grinding. We don't know exactly where we're going, but we know we're going somewhere. And anybody that's listening to this, please come with us. We- we're gonna trust this process and we are going to absolutely keep elevating to the next level, so.

  [00:41:36] Monica: So ladies, it's, I was thinking it might be fun to do like a little shout out at the end for, whoever this week just really lit it up for you and did something special. For me, I feel like I'll start by shouting out my sisters, they're so incredibly supportive and always with the text or the little messaging of saying, you got this. Keep going. That's our mantra internally, so I'm gonna shout out to my sisters, Frannie and Erica, and of course my sister-in-law. She may as well be my sister, blue Eye, Lisa, which I love so much. What about you, Melissa?

  [00:42:10] Melissa: Oh, a big shout out for me this week is kind of my childhood or my first best friend, Mary Ellis. Gosh, we've been friends for over 40 years, and as the two of we have this photo shoot coming up, right. We're gonna- we're gonna get new pictures of the three of us together to share in our storytelling about the Kindling project, but I'm not particularly comfortable in front of a camera or a video camera, or really just in front of humans. And so, Mary Ellis is like just this teeny tiny, beautiful ballerina who's always been very photogenic and very stylish and very good with clothes. And so, I was moaning to her about, oh my God, I gotta get my picture taken again and I don't have time to go shopping. And so she came over for a whole afternoon and we just spent the afternoon in my closet. And that is like the best girl time ever, she's already seen me in my underwear. Pregnant, not pregnant, skinny, fat in between. So, just trying on outfits and taking pictures and she's got this big stack of what not to wear books from, I dunno if you guys remember that TLC show, I think it was. She knows all the proportions and she knows all the body types and- so that was super helpful to me. So shout out to Mary Ellis.

  [00:43:24] Amy: I love that. I love that. I'm gonna give a shout out, really to my clients. It's gonna be an anonymous shout out, and if you're listening, you know who you are. I- I really feel inspired by my clientele, I'm working with some really brave people. It's a whole different population that I've ever worked with and, The clients come to me because they want to change, they want to improve. They know that there's that truth inside, and they're open and, it is not easy. Working with me, I really challenge people and so I really wanna give a shout out to them because they truly inspire me that's my shout out this week.

  [00:43:59] Melissa: We're gonna pick up next week to discuss empty nesting, which Monica and Amy have a little bit of a headstart on me, but I have a senior in high school, so it's coming soon.

  [00:44:11] Monica: Stay tuned. Okay, girls. Bye!

  [00:44:13] Melissa: Bye-Bye.

  [00:44:14] Amy: Bye-bye.